Brave enough to be FREE

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The funny thing about the past is, that you never know when its going to kick you on your ass. When you are a child that as been abused either mentally, physically or sexually, triggers and reminders of that abuse can appear in the most subtle ways – a touch, thought or truth you might not have known. In my case it always comes from Truth. I was too young to know about how sick my mother really was, and now my truth is that everyone knew and didn’t do anything to protect me. This is the sad part of my truth I have to let go, to fully free myself from what I had no control over at the time. I know there were kind people that in the past helped as much as they could, but I should not have been the only one dealing with my mother by myself. Maybe, because it was the 70’s and people just minded their own business or they were to afraid to tell themselves how sick she really was. But no one talked to me about it or tried to get me out of the situation. The real truth of the matter, when she decided to get rid of me and concocted a story that I was out of control or I need to be put away, my family let her do whatever she wanted… And for years I thought I was the only one who knew how sick she was and I started to believe I was the one with the problem…

No matter how ugly it might sound, this is where my healing comes in. I can’t control their choice's. I can’t hold on to the why’s of my past. If I do, I will never let go of what happened. If I want to be a healthy, loving and compassionate person, I have to let it go.  I also have to let go of wondering what the fuck was going on with these adults for them to allow a mentally ill person to raise a child!!!! Now as an adult I get to choice the people I surround myself with.  My life is a lot healthier!

Our human Self wants to hold on to the pain with every fiber of our body. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!  Rightfully so, they did… But if we want to know what it means to live our lives without our poor family judgments, you have to grow through the pain and see the freedom.  When you truly let go, they can never hurt you the same way again. It will sting when it comes up, but it will get a little easier each time and the pain will not last as long. When my past would come up in my 20’s, I would be devastated for days, maybe a week. The emotional walls inside myself grew even stronger.  They protected me, but they also prevented me from ever getting very close to anyone. Now in the Present, when some piece of information about my mother comes to me about living with her at such a young age and her debilitating illness, it hurts as if the wound is fresh and starting to open up all over again.  The day this happens, and the following, I get very quiet in order to allow the emotional connection to my past leave my body. I deal with how it is making me feel at that moment.  I ask what did it bring up?  This might have been an area that was still haunting me and then I am able to let it go…

The older I get, the more work I have to do.  I have been able to set my self free and keep learning what kind of spiritual life I want to live, not be ruled by the past I can’t control.  It is there to remind me there will always be work to do and there might be parts of your past that will come up later in life. I hate when they do, but I understand why. I have to forgive them to fully live in the NOW…

BE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!!!

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