Goodbye 2015

     As my husband Robert and I got into the car for a mini vacation, I could feel the pressure of life releasing its grip as we began our late night drive to Tucson. This year has been tough. I recently found out that I have a fibroid in my uterus, which is the reason I’ve had two miscarriages in the last three years. Having none of the normal symptoms (heavy bleeding and cramping), I had no idea a fibroid the size of a soft ball was in my right hip. The doctors I had placed my trust in didn’t feel the need to explore the idea of this being a possibility, even though most woman in their forties deal with fibroids. If they would have cared enough to do their job, they would have seen it with a simple ultrasound. A couple of annoying tests later, before this trip and after, I finally found out the truth. This particular fibroid grows INTO the uterine cavity due to the increasing amount of estrogen your body creates while pregnant. It only enlarges while I AM pregnant, pushing the fetus out of the area before it can truly develop. Everything feels so dramatic and overwhelming with in these circumstances, like there is no end to this experience.
     With the city lights behind us, a magnificent show began overhead, the Orionid meteor shower. The warm air, dry dirt smells and shooting stars all around, welcomed me. My being breathed in the desert. We were so excited that Robert was invited to paint at Neoglyphix Native Indigenous Aerosol Art Exhibition at the Arizona Art Museum. The second we pulled in, we were welcomed with open arms. Twenty indigenous artist were invited to paint an original piece for the show. It was an honor to join this wonderful community of artists. The day started with a blessing from a lovely man from the Tohono O'Odham Nation, his voice was powerful with his ancestor’s wisdom running through his blood. There was a stillness across the grounds as we all stood in a peaceful silence together. 
His wisdom carried. 
     Creativity flowed through everyone as the sun shined above. It was a unique experience to see so many woman in this “brotherhood”. Rarely do I ever see women owning their artistic life force in this masculine arena. The people that created this event had a deeper intention for its existence. In most of the Reservations around Arizona and in the U.S., more and more teens are committing suicide. In the last year alone, fourteen people have committed suicide, and that number is only from one Reservation. Not only do these children feel that there is nothing to live for, but their voices aren’t being heard! The people curating this event want to be a positive voice for their community. They wish to bridge the gap for these middle children lost between two worlds. 
      I felt a deep connection with everyone involved during the two days I was in Arizona. The sounds of spoken word and aerosol flying through the air, music and fashion with truth and passion reflecting everyones beauty. My husband and I left feeling thankful to be a part of something with such a strong message. I was able to live in the moment with the people around me and be thankful for life itself, rather than stress about life’s challenges. To be present in the now was my lesson for 2015. 
     Now I have to make a choice: 1) I must suffer physically and emotionally to deserve something wonderful, and go through pain to receive it. 2) Know that in this day and age there are many alternatives to being a parent if you open your heart to the possibility of what family is.
I didn't want to feel lost, frustrated, and heartbroken. I hate feeling like I have no control of my body and its out come. 
     Witnessing the concentration of the artists that weekend and watching them stay so focused for hours, gave me permission to stay in the now. I am humbled knowing each challenge is different for us all. It is so important that I am aware of the world around me, especially the people right in my backyard. I am thankful for all the roads my life takes me on and how blessed I am to be around greatness in any form. I am thankful my husband and I have the knowledge to choose what kind of parents we can be, be it surrogate or adoption, to create our family! 
     Great moments in life give me the courage to never press pause on my pursuit of being aware and awake! 2015 was the year of surrendering to the now and letting go of the idea of suffering for the possibility of happiness. I was able to break the mold and choose both roads at the same time, a conventional unconventional approach to life. 

​Article on the event:
http://ictmn.com/4z5i via @IndianCountry